When I was 5 years old, I was with my parents at my uncle's wedding. I fell in love with the guitarist who played and sang at the wedding. I sang, danced and played drums with him on stage. I feel happy and safe in the memories. It's interesting how this memory covered a very traumatic situation that followed and that I had repressed, but my body stored the emotions I was experiencing. As a teenager and adult, men playing guitar always seemed amazing to me and made me feel safe, although in real life it was different. It was just my nervous system filtering out that a man playing guitar meant safety. The situation that followed affected my life on many levels. My parents were drunk and my mother decided to take me home from the wedding. My father refused and refused to let me go with my mother. A tug-of-war over my little body began. Each one held one of my arms and pulled me to the other side. This terrible experience was interrupted by me detaching myself from my body. Total blackness and waking up in my grandparents' bed.
When I woke up, I heard my grandparents yelling at my dad that if he didn't know how to treat me, I would stay with them. I was happy and safe. A few days later, my parents took me away. I felt it was a huge betrayal from my grandparents. They rejected me. They betrayed me...they gave me to an aggressor. What was born in me? Distrust of the whole world. I have to rely on myself. I have to arrange everything myself, otherwise it won't be right and safe. Build a high and solid wall so that no one can hurt me. If someone comes close to me, betrays my trust, even in a very small way, because I wouldn't trust anyone in anything else anyway, I will cut them to pieces with an imaginary sword. This became attached to me and was visualized during therapy. It usually started with a huge rage that affected my whole life. Corrosive, controlling rage. The anger that gripped me at the slightest compression of my traumas. For example, a loving hug between a parent and a child, a child crying on an airplane, children happy and laughing, angry children and anything else you can think of. Surviving in a traumatized body with a mind that creates an illusory world. I didn't see it and I pretended that my life was okay. That I was happy. That I had my life in my hands. That I was living...
And how did therapy help me? During the process of going through the layers of different emotions that were stored from this trauma and that I had suppressed all my life, running away from them and pretending that I didn't have them because they were unwanted, I let them come...let them show themselves in full force...let them tear me apart...let them tell me what they needed. I cried, I screamed and I beat, beat, kicked everyone involved who had hurt me as a little girl. This released everything that had been accumulated, suffocated, repressed and my inner child could begin to heal, because through the self-expression of pain and opinion came forgiveness and peace. Everything described here is from my inner world of healing... in real life I don't beat anyone. I don't blame anyone. In real life I go and apologize to the people I have hurt.