Defiance, anger and hatred. These are the emotions I felt as a little girl. I would run into the woods to get away from people who constantly corrected me, lectured me and shouted at me. I didn't know how to get out of it... I felt a huge frustration and emotional overload. My dad was cruel. He physically attacked my mom. When I witnessed this, I defended her. Or I was used as a defensive shield. Either way, violence was committed against me too. When I was about 7 years old, I killed a cat. The decision was clear - to hurt someone, to get out my anger and frustration. Because why should only me be hurt? When I stood up to my dad because I couldn't stand the constant humiliation and breaking, I got even more. There was no one to provide me with safety. The strategy that emerged from this long-term situation came very quickly. Since it didn't work to vent my anger on someone else or confront the aggressor, I chose freezing - apathy towards the aggressor and an excessively active life - escape from my own emotions, which were suppressed and I couldn't deal with.
So my mind created a plan: I would be nice to everyone, flattering, I would do whatever they wanted me to do, I would give them gifts and that way I would be safe and maybe deserve their love. On the other hand, my body was screaming because it was completely perverse and painful. To get that frustration out of my body but not hurt anyone again, I started going to the gym every day, an hour on the exercise bike at home, I trained my dogs and became a workaholic....Most of all, not being alone with myself. I couldn't sit in a cafe and enjoy a coffee. Always takeaway coffee.
November 1989...I was traveling by the train with a classmate from school. Two young men approached our compartment. We all started talking. When my classmate and I were about to transfer to another train, the boys grabbed me and wouldn't let me go. My classmate left. She left me there. The train left and I was left alone with them. At the next stop, I ran away and got off. It was a deserted, dark stop. One of them got out behind me. He leaned me against the fence and I froze. He could do whatever he wanted because my defense mechanism had been turned off. When I came home late at night, my dad beat and kicked me in front of the house. At that moment, I completely shut down and didn't tell anyone. After a few weeks, I knew I was pregnant. I was so terrified of everything that I felt myself sinking deeper into despair every day. No one knew I was pregnant, I kept it inside for 9 months. I didn't know what to do. I was 14 years old and darkness had engulfed me.
How did the therapy help me? Dorothe Trassl's seminars are focused on releasing trauma from the body. Through shaking, dancing, special techniques in which the pelvis releases emotional wounds. This is not the result of one therapy. I was in such a deplorable psychological state that I completely resigned. I had nothing to lose. I had bad experiences with two therapists. One humiliated me during therapy and the other sexually abused me. I told myself that I could die at any time, that I would give it a chance. Now I am a regular participant in her seminars and because my body feels safe, it lets layer by layer heal. During the triad (an exercise in three, where we play out a painful situation that left a trauma in the body, so that we can release and go through all the emotions. The brain and body can then release the toxicity. The patterns from these traumas then stop crushing us and affecting our behavior and life as such) two people on the team played my mother and father. What I wished for was to return home in November 1989 at the age of 14 and be able to tell what had happened to me. I was listened to, embraced and accepted. And I had the choice to freely decide to have an abortion.
The original situation was replayed, as it was good for my body and brain. I received hugs, love and support. We laughed and talked and I felt protected and loved by my parents. This is an excerpt from the therapies that followed the whole story. There were many therapies on this topic and I will write about them again in other stories.