This story did not go through therapy. This story emerged while writing about other traumas on the blog and during a conflict with a very important person for me a few days ago. The conflict started completely innocently - I did not understand what he was talking about and since my nervous system was not completely stable after writing the article, I reacted in a way that triggered his trauma. Unfortunately, I was no longer able to hold a safe space. His reaction to his trauma was an aggressive monologue, with which he ended our conversation. It immediately triggered me into a state of freezing. After several of his messages, which were from his wounded place and which his defense mechanism fired, I completely shut down and was unable to react in the freezing.
When my ex-partners wanted to get to know me more, I couldn't remove the defensive wall. So I was in relationships where it worked to a certain extent, but as soon as they wanted more and wanted to get to know me more deeply, my reactions were influenced by the "survival system". I couldn't let them get closer. For me, it was a matter of life and death. They gradually lost patience and when deeper emotional conversations occurred, I couldn't handle it. Their reaction was frustration, anger and aggression. No feeling of safety in which the nervous system can rest, regenerate and gradually heal. I was just waiting for the next step - physical violence.....my wall grew and became even stronger. Every time in my life , in all cases, the same thing always happens : it immediately occurred to me that verbal aggression comes first and then physical aggression.
Yesterday morning while yoga, my body released the trauma. The trauma that I suppressed, was ashamed of and ashamed of myself. The trauma that I wrote on the front page yesterday among my biggest traumas. And that is: When my daughter was 1 year old and we slept together, my dad came and wanted to take her away. I defended her and he started to strangle me. He pushed me away and forcibly took her from my bed. I don't know why this conflict opened up such a big, old and well-trodden trauma, but probably the time was ripe. Unfortunately or fortunately, we don't know when and on what occasion the traumas will open up and send our nervous system back to that situation. Let's try to be kind to ourselves and support ourselves by creating safety. Now we can...we are adults, powerful and we can stand up for ourselves and say a clear NO to our dads, moms and everyone who hurt us while going through emotions. And we also have great friends who are there for us and we are there for them. Let's try to explain and describe our emotions and needs to our loved ones.